I’ve watched my friends travel down the grassroots from the sidelines. Watching has given me a perspective I’d rather not have- because I watched what was supposed to be a harmless drug tear down those who were already happy, carefree people, into anxiety ridden, demotivated, lonely people.
It didn’t matter that I called them, texted them, messaged them to come out of their houses.
They just wanted to smoke.
I didn’t understand at the time, because marijuana isn’t addictive, right?
Eventually I couldn’t deny it anymore. I was watching marijuana sundering their academic careers, personal lives, and potentials. Sometimes high, sometimes sober, they allowed me to peer into their worlds of haze, offering both the glitz and glamour of the drug, and the dredges of their addictions.
These are the painful truths they’ve shared with me over the years; what they wish they would have known.
It takes from you what it gives. . .
It’s the sweetest thing you’ll ever know. It will treasure your heart for as long as you surrender it, always answering the call- succumbing to the need. And as long as you do, you’ll feel amazing. Uplifted. Carefree. Happy. Content. Okay. Breathing. Hazy. Lazy. Bored. Scared. Anxious. Panicking. Paranoid. Empty- so empty, you can’t breathe.
You have to live with that. You have to love what it’s done to you. You have to live knowing it will continue to do it to you, because you won’t stop. Eventually it won’t have a name anymore. The fanciful Mary Janes, Ganja, Green, Hash- it won’t even be pot anymore. It will just be it- because the guilt will cripple you to call it anything else.
Just like you.
You just become “it.”
It steals your memories.
You won’t remember the good times. You’ll have them- with your friends, who will be your smoking buddies. Those same people who will leave you alone with it eventually, because you burn too much. Or if they stay, it’s worse. Because you’ll burn
Until one day you’re on top of him, beating him into the floor, because of something you know he did- but you just can’t remember what right now.
You’ll never remember.
You won’t remember much. Only what it takes. You’ll remember the panic. The mood swings. You’ll remember the mania. You’ll remember the people who say it isn’t that bad. It’s not really a drug.
So you’ll smoke more of it. And it will continue to get worse. And you’ll get worse. The things you will remember will drive you to use more. Because you’ll remember the way you feel without it. It will make you writhe.
But for the moment, you’ll forget you’re lonely. You probably won’t be for long. It’s easy to make friends with them- the people like you.
They’ll be happy to embrace you, and do it all again.
It Isolates you.
The friends who left you- the friends you left for it, may take you back.
But they’ll never truly make you feel whole like she did.
I say she now, because when she’s gone you’ll always pine for her. To find her again you may even dabble in some other stuff: Shrooms, E, molly- whatever you can get your hands on to not feel lonely.
To feel anything at all!
It makes life unbearable without it.
You can’t live without her. You can’t love without her. There will come this inescapable loneliness that will make you crawl through glass just to have her again.
It Controls. . .
Who you are, and will make you forget who you want to be. It will strip everything from your bones, because it demands all.
But it will make you forget all the while.
Featured Image: When in Amsterdam by Ashton licensed under CC by 2.0
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