How to Pass a Drug Test in 7 Steps
Have a pesky drug test that will get you fired, make your wife leave you, and ultimately ruin your life? No problem! We have seven easy steps to take you from testing 100% positive from all the things you shouldn’t be taking, to 100% undetectable from any traces of hoopla you’d rather not talk about.
But isn’t that illegal?
Who cares about the legal ramifications of cheating on drug tests when you’ve already taken a bite of the forbidden fruit anyway? Right?
Okay, here it goes: How to Pass a Drug Test in 7 Steps:
Take all of the illicit paraphernalia that will ruin your life in your upcoming drug test and place it carefully, but quickly into a trash bag. The plastic will ensure all traces of your illicit substances stay under lock and key until you’re ready to revisit them later. And don’t skimp! No hide-a-way stashes, you need every ounce, gram, drop, dirtied needle and spoon for this to work right.
All of it in the bag!
Take a cleansing shower and think about all the things you’ll be able to do when your drug test doesn’t ruin your life.
After drying off, pick up the phone and call (855)767-8285 and ask about getting quick treatment for your drug of choice. Make sure you don’t leave out any details on the substances you’re taking- or you won’t have the right information on how to rid your body of the illicit substances in time for your test.
Make the appointment to go tour the facility- that’s where the magic happens. If you don’t go, kiss that job goodbye. (Maybe your freedom too. I mean, it’s illegal to test positive, right?)
Pack everything you need to keep you sane on your journey not to test positive. (That ruins your life, remember?). Books, journals, magazines (leave the naughty ones!), your favorite clothes, maybe an apple or two. Head over to the treatment center and go through detox.
This is the ultimate trick that will help you pass the drug test!
It cannot fail.
100% success rate, guaranteed. This process takes about seven to ten days, so plan accordingly.
Oh, but before you leave- remember that bag from step one? Turn it into your local police department in the collections receptacle.
Go to rehab! This is the part of the seven step plan that will ensure you don’t ever fail another drug test again. Instead of worrying about drug tests you’ll learn how to live the rest of your life doing the exact things you’ve always wanted to do.
Like becoming a movie star, finally trying out for your local soccer league, or finishing up your degree to snag your dream job. Which is probably way better than the job you have now. The possibilities are endless when you go to rehab.
Enroll into an outpatient program, and go home! Clean up your space and make it a beautiful one. You get to start over now, so make it wonderful from the beginning.
Pee in that cup, and be happy.
About the Author
JessiRae Pulver-Adell is an addiction & recovery blogger for Harbor Village. She writes to elucidate the disease of addiction and is an activist for the homeless and animals. She enjoys furry creatures, Jrock, and towering bookshelves! Have a story or a pitch to share? Email her directly at Jupveradell@harborvillageflorida.com.